Friday, January 23, 2009

Body Image and Food

My 2 cents about food and fat and health.

For the past few months, I have been eating anything and everything in sight. Anything I crave, I'll eat because I can. I realized how liberating it is not to hate your body for being the way it is. God created me a curvy size 5 and not an anorexic size 0 for a reason. I was made in His image, so maybe God has some hips too! The only times, then, that I feel insecure is when I'm around other insecure girls because they care so damn much about how they look. When a girlfriend of mine criticizes her hips for being "too fat" even though she is skinnier than me, it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me because I am obviously two sizes bigger than her. She must think I'm the fucking lock-nest monster or something if she thinks she's fat. That is why I can't stand being around people who constantly remind me that being skinny is how everyone should be. I've battled anorexia and bulimia in the past, and those were the worst years of my life. I woke up every morning wanting to cut pieces of my stomach off because I was so unsatisfied with the way I looked. Granted, I am not 110% comfortable with the way I look now, but I am progressing there. I am finding freedom in myself, in the way I look, and my passion for food. I love to eat! I love to try new foods. I enjoy it so much and to have someone imply that I'm too "chubby" to eat it pisses me off. I haven't woken up in the morning hating myself for so long and I don't plan to ever again. I just hope that I can stay around people that are positive enough not to suck me into the mind-set that there is something wrong with me because I am curvy. I hate comparing myself to other girls or having them compare themselves to me. I hate insecurity.

On the other hand, health is still very important. I have to remind myself that although I love to eat, I should also be eating healthy. I don't want to die of a heart attack at 21 for over-indulging myself in fatty foods! It is okay to splurge, but I have to know my limit as well. I'm still working on the exercise bit though because I honestly hate going to the gym. I hate the smelly, sweaty people that run next to me and my 5th grade insecurities that rise to the surface again. I always have this phobia that people at the gym are watching me work out and judging me because I'm fat. (Probably because in the 5th grade, I was never able to perform well in P.E. because I was fat and all the kids made fun of me) Sigh. One day, God. One day I will be able to get over it. Until then, I need to eat healthy so that I don't have to force myself to go to the gym. Oh, the irony!

Either way though, I am learning to love me. God loves me, so I need to love me and all that I am-- curvy hips, thick thighs, big bosom, a squishy tum tum and squishy arms that will never unsquish itself ever. Yay.


Blogger This Box Contains: Elis said...

i love you and your wholesome embraces! ;) sometimes when i hug some other friends, it's like i might as well hug kleenex.

January 24, 2009 at 3:12 AM  

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